Snake Oil
by Red Witch
Summary: Cobra Commander complains about his help, or lack therof.


**Dreadnok Munchkins made off with the disclaimer that I don't own any GI Joe characters or Wizard of Oz songs. Just a parody I did a ways back that I redid and fixed up for my own amusement. I was just thinking of Cobra Commander and then the song 'If I Only Had A…" popped into my head. I think you can fill in the blanks. **

**Snake Oil**

Destro peered out over the ledge of a high platform in a huge factory. "You know you really should have some kind of railing here for safety reasons. In case someone slips and falls."

"What do I care if some idiot falls and hurts himself?" Cobra Commander huffed. "If some fool can't stay here without falling all over the place, Cobra's better off without him! Besides railings cost too much money! But I have come up with a plan to cut Cobra's Energy costs in half!"

"Oh really?" Destro raised an eyebrow. "And how do you propose to accomplish this miracle?"

"It's simple really," Cobra Commander crowed. "We shall create our own oil!"

"Come again?" Destro asked.

"As we speak our scientists are creating a substitute for oil," Cobra Commander explained. "Think of it Destro! No more shall we be dependent on what we buy or steal from other criminals or oil refineries! With our own endless supply we will be invincible!"

"I must admit it does sound like one of your better ideas," Destro nodded.

"Of course it is! My plan is flawless!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Are you sure our scientists are up to the task because several governments have been experimenting with the very same thing for several years?" Destro asked.

"Destro, if Cobra can grow living breathing dinosaurs from fossils, develop a crude teleportation device and use giant vegetables to invade Chicago I think we can handle something as simple as creating a new source of fuel," Cobra Commander said. "This plan is perfect!"

CLANK!

"Torch! Stop juggling the dynamite!" Zandar was heard yelling.

"Hey what does this button do?" Monkeywrench asked.

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Oh," Monkeywrench said. "Never mind!"

"I believe I have just found the **flaw** in your 'perfect plan'," Destro looked over the edge to see the Dreadnoks fooling around on the factory floor. "Please tell me you did not hire the Dreadnoks as security because they were cheaper than the Crimson Guard Twins were."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"FIRE! FIRE! WHOOO! HOT FIRE!" Several scientists ran around on the floor trying to put out fires.

"Okay I won't tell you," Cobra Commander gulped. "Don't give me that look, Destro. The twins have been racking up some pretty hefty charges lately. I'm just trying to cut corners here!"

"TORCH!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE DYNAMITE?" Zandar yelled.

"Uhhhh I forgot," Torch moaned. "Ooh look at the stars…"

"Now I know why my brother took off and left me in charge," Zandar moaned. "And knowing is a great reason to disappear to the Bahamas for a few weeks."

"Anybody know where the breaks on this forklift are?" Buzzer cried out.

CRASH!

"Never mind…" Buzzer said in a funny voice. "The wall stopped it. Ooh, birdies!"

"And another **brilliant** plan comes to a crashing halt," Destro said sarcastically.

"And this time we didn't even need GI Joe to do it!" Cobra Commander groaned. "Must I do **everything **myself? I tell you Destro, sometimes being an infamous leader of a terrorist organization isn't all that's it's cracked up to be!"

Cobra Commander began to sing. _"Oh my armies have tons of power! I've got a fearful glower! And more money than half of Spain! There are hundreds of plans I'm makin' and the world I'd have already taken, if only my followers had a brain!" _

"You had a few drinks before you got here didn't you?" Destro sighed.

"Just a couple. They mix well with my medication," Cobra Commander admitted before singing again. _"I've got hundreds of tanks galore! And several chemicals in store! I'm ready to add to my domain! But I've got lousy help! Who have fewer brains than kelp! It's driving me insane!" _

"Must be a short trip," Destro remarked as Cobra Commander started dancing around. "Allow me to add a verse. _Oh why must I put up with this boor? Reassuring Cobra Commander is such a chore. But all my advice you just ignore. The next thing you know the Joes are at our door! You're way too temperamental, in fact you're kind of mental! It's really such a pain!" _

"Sounds like you had a snootful too!" Cobra Commander snapped as he danced around. _"Don't you forget I'm in charge! With Cobra I'm living large…" _

Just then Cobra Commander slipped on some oil and fell of the ledge. "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAA!"

WHAM! SPLASH!

"YEOWWWW! HOT OIL!" Cobra Commander screamed. "YEOW! HOT! HOT! HOT! OH THAT'S HOT! SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE! NOT **YOU **TORCH! AAGGGGH! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"

Destro rolled his eyes and looked upwards. "_If he only had a brain…" _


End file.
